PS | Undo Condicion

I grew up with mostly male influencers.

We can trace many of my ‘codes’ back to my formational years, being raised closely with two sets of grandparents.

My interest in agriculture and aspiration to be a pillar of leadership, protection and provision of my House- I got from him and Jaime.

This loss is teaching me so much.

First, nothing is truly ever mine. In fact, nothing is truly ever owned.

I felt late, failing, mad over my defeats, entitled. I could not control life and could not influence time.

I rant. I ask.

 

My pain is as real as the Truth.

It is valid in my heart even if my brain knows otherwise.

Human as I am, I could only “play control” situations and feelings through work – an arena I could dominate in, or so I thought.

For now there are only questions, timelines and a self who’s grumbling at her cup,

but acknowledging the one who may also be in pain as he chisels a heart.

I rant. I ask.

***

“So I lost him.  But I shall always see
            In my mind
The warm, yellow sun, and the ether free;
The vista’s sky, and the white cloud trailing,
        Trailing behind, —
And below the young earth’s summer-green arbors,
And on high the eagle, —sailing, sailing
        Into far skies and unknown harbors”

E. E. Cummings | The Eagle

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